Category: compassion

Balancing Spirit and Self: Authentic Growth for Creative Minds

Posted on by Allan Johnson in attachment, compassion, creativity

The term ‘spiritual bypass’ was coined in 1984 by the American psychologist John Welwood to describe the use of spiritual beliefs or practises to avoid dealing with painful feelings, unresolved wounds and unmet basic psychological needs. Our society values individualism and personal growth and supports the exploration of unique spiritual paths that deviate from established orthodox standards and yet contribute to authentic personal empowerment. 

Personal spiritual practises can help us to think outside the box and ultimately provide a sense of freedom and authenticity in one’s spiritual existence. But turning to meditation, yoga, ritual, journaling, or any other form of spiritual practise as a form of superficial growth neglects real development and ultimately hides or represses even more the aspects of ourselves that most need to be changed and resolved.

When we are spiritually bypassing, we avoid personal problems by using spirituality to escape emotional pain or difficult situations. Or when we over-emphasise positive thinking and ignore negative emotions or experiences, we begin to detach from reality and disconnect from the problems and responsibilities, such as someone who meditates to escape their anger instead of dealing with the cause of their anger, or someone who uses affirmations to ignore feelings of sadness or grief. 

Spiritual practises such as meditation or affirmations can be incredibly powerful opportunities for real personal growth, but we must be careful not to use our spiritual practises to hide from what we need to bring to light.

In our personal spiritual practise, the ego is quick to try to take control, using the appearance of spiritual development to boost its self-esteem or to avoid being confronted with personal flaws. We can recognise that the ego has begun to take control when someone begins to proclaim that they are more ‘enlightened’ than others, when they use spirituality to justify or ignore their own negative behaviour, or when they use spiritual practises to avoid life’s challenges. 

Recognising when this is the case for us is especially important for creatives because spiritual avoidance can actually hinder your creative and personal growth because avoiding emotional depth and intensity can limit our creative expression and authenticity.

On our spiritual path, we must continue to cultivate self-knowledge and discernment. We gain self-knowledge not only through our usual spiritual practises such as meditation, journaling or ritual, but also by seeking feedback from trusted peers and taking perspectives from others who can point out our avoidance patterns, such as therapists or counsellors. In this way, we can allow vulnerability and authenticity by allowing ourselves to experience and express all emotions rather than using spirituality to avoid them.

Likewise, discernment plays a crucial role in distinguishing between genuine spiritual growth and avoidance behaviours disguised as spiritual practises. This involves a deep, introspective examination of one’s own motivations and the ability to recognise when spirituality is being used to avoid unresolved emotional issues. 

Discernment requires honesty and self-awareness and allows individuals to see through the facade of spiritual superiority or forced positivity that often accompanies spiritual evasion. By cultivating discernment, one can navigate the spiritual path with integrity and ensure that spiritual practises are integrated into personal development rather than serving as an escape from it. This balanced approach fosters authentic growth and helps individuals address underlying psychological and emotional wounds, leading to a more holistic and grounded spirituality.

To avoid spiritual bypassing, the first crucial step is cultivating self-awareness and honesty. This includes regularly reflecting on your spiritual practises and motivations. Do you utilise meditation, yoga or ritual to truly connect with your inner self, or do you use these practises to escape unpleasant feelings and situations? Journaling can help you document your thoughts, feelings, and spiritual experiences. 

By honestly addressing your emotional state and recognising any tendency to avoid pain, you can begin to connect your spiritual practises to your personal growth. Mindfulness meditation, which focuses on attention to the present moment and non-judgmental observation of thoughts and feelings, can also help you stay grounded and avoid the avoidance behaviours typical of spiritual bypassing.

Another effective strategy to avoid spiritual bypassing is to seek support from professionals and peers. Therapists and counsellors who are trained in integrating spirituality and psychology can provide you with valuable insights and tools to address unresolved emotional issues. They can help you recognise patterns of avoidance and work through underlying emotional wounds. 

It is also beneficial to discuss your spiritual path with trusted teachers and guides  who can give you honest feedback. Sometimes others can recognise our avoidance patterns more clearly than we can ourselves. Participating in group discussions or spiritual communities where members value personal growth alongside spiritual development can create a supportive environment that encourages authenticity and vulnerability.

Finally, it is important to maintain a balance between spiritual practises and real-life commitments to avoid spiritual bypassing. It is important to remember that spirituality should enhance your ability to engage with the world, not serve to escape from it. Grounding practises such as physical exercise, spending time in nature, or engaging in community service can help you stay connected to reality. 

Check in regularly to see if your spiritual activities are improving your ability to deal with life’s challenges or if they are becoming a way to avoid them. By ensuring that your spiritual practises are integrated into your daily life and responsibilities, you create a holistic approach that promotes true personal and spiritual growth. This balance not only prevents spiritual bypassing, but also enriches your overall well-being and creativity.

Spiritual bypassing is a very common problem that hinders spiritual and personal growth as well as creative development. And recognising and addressing the spiritual bypass is crucial for creative people embarking on the path of authentic spiritual and personal growth, while overcoming the challenges that come with it. True spiritual and creative growth involves addressing and healing our soul wounds, utilising grounding practises such as exercise or walks in nature, and taking a holistic approach to our spirituality and creativity that allows input from experienced spiritual teachers.

The Resources and Challenges of The Innocent Archetype Within

Posted on by Allan Johnson in archetype, compassion, gratitude, wellbeing

In all of us there lies an inherent innocence — trust in the process, faith in the goodness of others, and a genuine curiosity that drives us forward. This innocence is the foundation for growth and learning, but it is also the beginning of a transformative journey full of challenges and revelations. This part of ourselves taps into an archetype known as The Innocent, which presents challenges but also offers deep wisdom to us as we explore what innocence means within us and within the complexities of our lives.

The Innocent archetype is characterised by a fundamental trust in life and in others, and fosters a sense of belonging to a larger community. It embodies qualities such as purity, simplicity, and optimism, and guides the individual towards a hopeful perspective and a genuine love of learning. At the core of the Innocent archetype lies a deep trust — in oneself, in others and in the inherent goodness of life. This trust serves as a source of strength and resilience and enables individuals to face challenges with a sense of optimism and hope. It fosters a belief in the potential for growth and transformation, even in the face of adversity.

However, this unwavering trust can also lead to a sense of naivety and vulnerability. The Innocent can be overly trusting of others and overlook potential dangers and risks. This can make them vulnerable to manipulation and exploitation as they struggle to recognise the darker side of human nature.

Being comfortable with discomfort is a lesson and challenge for the Innocent.

The Innocent archetype is also characterised by a sense of simplicity and purity. People who embody this archetype often see the world through a lens of innocence and perceive it as a place of wonder and beauty. This simplicity allows them to appreciate life’s small pleasures and find meaning in everyday moments. But, this simplicity and purity can also be a source of limitation, as the innocent have difficulty grappling with the complexities and ambiguities of life. They may shy away from difficult truths and uncomfortable realities, preferring to live in a world of innocence and naivety.

One of the greatest strengths of the Innocent archetype is its inherent sense of optimism. People who embody this archetype approach life with a sense of hope and positivity and believe in the potential for a better future. This optimism serves as a source of motivation and inspiration and drives their efforts to bring about positive change in the world. This optimism can also lead to feelings of disillusionment and disappointment when reality does not meet their expectations. The Innocent may struggle to reconcile their idealistic vision of the world with the harsh realities of life, leading to feelings of frustration and despair.

Despite these challenges, the Innocent archetype brings with it a sense of curiosity and wonder. People who embody this archetype have a genuine love of learning and exploration and are eager to seek out new experiences and knowledge. This curiosity fuels their creativity and imagination and enables them to approach life with a sense of wonder and awe. If left unchecked, this curiosity can also lead to a sense of restlessness and dissatisfaction as the Innocent is constantly in search of new experiences and adventures. They may find it difficult to be content in the present moment as they are always longing for something more or something different.

In the journey of The Innocent archetype, individuals must learn to balance their confidence and optimism with a healthy dose of scepticism and discernment. They must cultivate a sense of resilience and adaptability and learn to navigate the complexity and uncertainty of life with grace and wisdom. By embracing the challenges and opportunities that come with embodying this archetype, they can unlock their full potential and discover the deep wisdom that lies within.

Resources of The Innocent Archetype:

Optimism and hope: The Innocent embodies a sense of unwavering optimism and hope that enables individuals to face life’s challenges with resilience and positivity. This inherent optimism serves as a source of motivation and inspiration, fuelling their efforts to create positive change in the world.
Curiosity and wonder: People who embody the Innocent archetype possess a genuine love of learning and exploration and are eager to seek out new experiences and knowledge. This curiosity fuels their creativity and imagination and enables them to approach life with a sense of wonder and awe.
Trust and faith: At the core of The Innocent archetype lies a deep trust — in themselves, in others and in the inherent goodness of life. This trust is a source of strength and resilience that enables the individual to face challenges with confidence and grace.
Simplicity and Purity: The Innocent sees the world through a lens of simplicity and purity, perceiving it as a place of wonder and beauty. This simplicity allows them to appreciate life’s small pleasures and find meaning in everyday moments, fostering a sense of contentment and fulfilment.
Belonging to a community: The Innocent fosters a sense of belonging to a larger community and creates connections with others based on trust, empathy and shared values. This sense of belonging provides support and encouragement, helping individuals to navigate life’s challenges with resilience and grace.

Challenges of The Innocent Archetype:

Naivety and vulnerability: The Innocent’s unwavering trust and optimism can sometimes lead to a sense of naivety and vulnerability, making the individual susceptible to manipulation and exploitation. They can find it difficult to recognise the darker side of human nature and overlook potential dangers and risks.
Idealism and disillusionment: The Innocent often approaches life with a sense of idealism and optimism, believing in the possibility of a better future. However, this idealism can lead to feelings of disillusionment and disappointment when reality does not meet their expectations. They may find it difficult to reconcile their idealistic view of the world with the harsh realities of life.
Simplicity and limitation: The simplicity and purity of the Innocent archetype can be a source of strength, but also a limitation. People can have difficulty dealing with the complexities and ambiguities of life, preferring to live in a world of innocence and naivety. They may shy away from difficult truths and uncomfortable realities, hindering their personal growth and development.
Restlessness and dissatisfaction: The curiosity and wonder of The Innocent can sometimes lead to a sense of restlessness and dissatisfaction. Individuals may constantly seek out new experiences and adventures and struggle to be content in the present moment. They may feel a constant longing for more or something different, which prevents them from fully appreciating the beauty of life as it unfolds.
Absolutist thinking: The Innocent tends to think in absolutist terms, seeing things in black and white rather than appreciating the complexities and nuances of life. They may find it difficult to acknowledge shades of grey and cling to simplistic solutions and rigid beliefs. This can lead to narrow-mindedness and a lack of flexibility, affecting their ability to adapt to changing circumstances and perspectives.

The importance of self-compassion in integrative therapy

Posted on by Allan Johnson in compassion, Observations, Psychosynthesis

Learning to develop self-compassion is an essential part of integrative therapy. Integrative therapy aims to treat the whole person — body, mind and spirit — using a variety of therapeutic approaches. It recognises that each person is unique and that there is no single approach to therapy. Integrative therapy is also often described as a ‘holistic’ approach, meaning that it considers all aspects of a person’s life, including their physical health, emotional wellbeing, relationships, and spirituality.

Self-compassion is an important aspect of integrative therapy because it enables people to deal with difficult feelings and negative thoughts that might impact upon all areas of their lives. It is about treating oneself with the same kindness, appreciation and understanding that one would show a good friend. In this way, the individual can accept their shortcomings and faults, leading to greater self-knowledge and self-acceptance. When individuals treat themselves with kindness and understanding, they are more motivated to make positive changes in their lives.

People who are kind to themselves are better able to deal with setbacks and challenges. They are also less likely to be overwhelmed by negative feelings because they have developed skills to manage their thoughts and feelings in a healthy way. For example, people who have learned to practise self-compassion can recognise when they are feeling stressed or anxious and take action to take care of themselves, such as by taking deep breaths, taking a break or seeking support from others.

Developing self-compassion is especially important for people who struggle with anxiety and depression. These people often suffer from negative self-talk and self-criticism, which can exacerbate their symptoms and make recovery more difficult. Integrative therapy approaches that focus on self-compassion can help sufferers break free from these patterns and learn to be kind to themselves. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), for example, is a form of therapy that has been shown to be effective in treating anxiety and depression. CBT helps individuals to identify and challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more positive, self-compassionate thoughts.

Another benefit of self-compassion is that it helps people build closer relationships with others. When people are kind to themselves, they are more likely to be kind to others. They are also more likely to attract positive people into their lives because they radiate positivity and self-love. Integrative therapy approaches that focus on self-compassion, such as acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), can help people develop more empathy and compassion for others. ACT teaches people to accept their thoughts and feelings without judgement and to act in accordance with their values, even in the face of difficult emotions.

Integrative therapy approaches that focus on self-compassion often include mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) techniques. Mindfulness means paying attention to the present moment without judging it. By practising mindfulness, individuals can become more aware of their thoughts and feelings and learn to respond to them in a non-judgmental, compassionate way. This can help the individual to free themselves from negative thought patterns and develop more self-awareness and self-acceptance.

Integrative therapists can help their clients develop self-compassion by teaching them mindfulness techniques, encouraging self-care and reframing negative thoughts. For example, an integrative therapist can help a client recognise negative self-talk and reframe it in a more positive, self-compassionate way. The therapist can also encourage the client to take care of themselves, get enough rest, eat well and engage in activities that they enjoy.

In The Path of Mindful Living: A 21-Day Mindfulness Companion, I lead you through a series of self-guided mindfulness exercises and show you how to bring mindfulness into your daily life. Readers of my blog can download the workbook and pullout charts for only £6.

How to Accept Yourself Without Losing Yourself in the Process

Posted on by Allan Johnson in compassion, wellbeing

For many of us, it can be difficult to accept the parts of ourselves that we do not like. We are often at war with ourselves, constantly fighting with the voices in our head. Maybe we struggle with the way we look, maybe we struggle with the way we act, maybe we struggle with the way we think.

Issues around self-acceptance are complex. They arise from our own experiences, our judgements of ourselves and the way we compare ourselves to other people. If we have been wounded, suffered trauma, or been treated badly, we easily get stuck in the past or judge ourselves harshly. This can lead to an inner critic that is constantly with us, telling us that we are not good enough and not worthy of love.

The way we treat ourselves has a big impact on the way we treat other people. If we constantly blame ourselves, it is unlikely that we will treat other people with compassion and respect. If we compare ourselves to other people, we will see ourselves as losers.

The goal is to be with yourself, accept yourself and be yourself. To be a different kind of person, to have a more positive attitude, to have a more compassionate attitude, to have a more loving relationship with yourself. It’s important to acknowledge that accepting yourself can be difficult if you do not know how. Here are five simple ways to start:

1. Appreciate your uniqueness.

Like each of us, you are unique. You are one of a kind. Your life matters and it impacts the lives of others. This may seem like a very basic idea, but it is an idea that is not always easy to live by. We may know this on an intellectual level, but the message does not always penetrate to the deeper level of our minds. At a deep level we can feel disconnected and isolated. We can feel that we do not belong. When we do not feel like we belong, we find it difficult to feel connected and valued.

How can we accept ourselves? There is no magic formula. However, there are some very useful principles to keep in mind. First of all, we should remember that we are all still developing. This means that we are not perfect. Nor will we ever be. We are all imperfect, and trying to change that is a fruitless endeavour. We do not have to be perfect to accept ourselves. On the contrary, if we accept ourselves, we are more likely to want to improve. If we accept ourselves at the core, we can also accept the fact that we are constantly growing and developing and that our lives have value. When we accept ourselves, we are able to start from a place of appreciation.

2. Stop comparing yourself to others.

It is natural for us to compare ourselves to other people. We compare our appearance, intelligence, personality, skills and abilities. We compare our social status and position in life. We compare our talents, our success and our failures. We compare everything! You are you, and no one is like you. No matter how similar two people are, they are never exactly the same. They have their own thoughts, feelings, habits, behaviours and beliefs. Even if you have a twin, he or she will be different from you, even if those differences are small. And if you are the only person in the world, you still have your own unique personality, thoughts, feelings, habits, behaviours and beliefs.

3. Focus on what you have, not on what you do not have.

The more we focus on what we do not have, the more unhappy, ungrateful, and dissatisfied we become. We believe that happiness and contentment come from outside ourselves. We believe that we must have certain things to be happy and that we must meet certain standards before we can be content or happy. In fact, this is not true. Happiness and contentment come from within. It comes from our thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of the world.

The more we focus on what we do not have, the unhappier we will be. The more we focus on what we do not have, the less able we are to accept ourselves. Our self-esteem is closely linked to our ability to appreciate and accept ourselves. The more we focus on our strengths and our good points, the more we will feel good about ourselves. The more we can accept ourselves as human beings, with all our positive and negative qualities, the more we will be able to love ourselves.

4. Give yourself some breathing space.

One of the biggest challenges in life is to give ourselves the space to be ourselves. We are so busy trying to please others, live up to our responsibilities and achieve everything else in life that we forget to take care of ourselves. We forget to allow ourselves to feel and express our feelings. We may even deny our feelings and refuse to acknowledge that we have feelings at all. If this is the case, you may find it difficult to accept yourself and your feelings.

You may also find it difficult to accept your own needs and desires. We are often very hard on ourselves. If we do not give ourselves enough space, then we do not allow ourselves to be ourselves. We do not allow ourselves to be human. We do not allow ourselves to make mistakes. We do not allow ourselves to have emotions. We do not allow ourselves to fall short of our own expectations. We do not allow ourselves to have feelings of anger, anxiety or fear. We do not allow ourselves to be vulnerable. If we do not allow ourselves to be human, then it can be difficult to accept ourselves in our full humanity.

5. Focus on what is important to you.

Once we have accepted ourselves, we can begin to live a life that is in line with our values and principles. We can begin to focus on what is important to us. We can begin to focus on what we want instead of everything we think we should want. The more we focus on what is important to us, the more we will be able to accept ourselves. We will accept who we are, and we will accept what we have. We will accept our past, and we will accept our present and our future.

The more we accept ourselves, the more we can love ourselves and the more we can love others. When it comes to happiness and success in life, it is important to remember that there is no right and wrong. There is no should or should not and no right or wrong ways to be happy and successful. If we want to be happy and successful, we have to find the right path for us. We have to find a way that is in line with what is important to us and with what makes us feel good. This is the best path we can take. This is the only way that will work for us.

Download your free 21-day course in The Path of Mindfulness. In this life-changing 21-day mindfulness journey, Dr Allan Kilner-Johnson guides you through a series of self-guided mindfulness exercises and shows you how and when to bring mindfulness into your daily life. 

Self-Compassion and Unconscious Contracts

Posted on by Allan Johnson in compassion, mindfulness

It’s extraordinary the number of positive changes that come to us as we begin to connect more fully to an expression of compassion and kindness. I don’t mean only compassion and kindness towards others, but also self-compassion and feelings of compassion and kindness towards ourselves that enable us to live openly and freely.  As we move through our day-to-day activities we have a tendency to operate through a series of what the British economist Michael Allingham called unconscious contracts. Unconscious contracts are systems of rules, regulations, and expectations that we unconsciously set for those in our immediate sphere and subsequently expect them to follow.  Unconscious contracts that we set with others, for instance, might be that one should not block the aisle with their shopping trolley or that parents should raise their children in a certain way.  But the most important thing about unconscious contracts is that these are fundamentally systems of power that we apply to others without their understanding or awareness. 

We also form a complex network of unconscious contracts with ourselves.  We might, for instance, have created an unconscious contract with ourselves that we must never be wrong, or that we must always be perfect, or that we must always be the first to speak, or that we must never speak in a large group.  If we don’t begin to identity and question the unconscious contracts we have set with ourselves that might limit certain behaviours or overemphasise behaviours that are not supportive to us and those around us, we begin to lose sight of our own compassionate connection to ourselves and can find it increasingly difficult to move through our lives freely.  

In order to bring positive change in the world around us, one of the first things that we must do is enter into a compassionate relationship with ourselves by identifying ways in which we might begin to dismantle the power of these unconscious contracts with ourselves. And in the same way that self-compassion can be further developed by recognising the unconscious contracts that we have developed, so too are we able to develop a more positive, compassionate and kind relationship to others by recognising the unconscious contracts that we have set with them. Compassion toward others begins with compassion toward self.

Martin Buber, the great twentieth-century philosopher, writes about ‘I and thou’ relationships. Very often we operate from a position of ‘I and it’ relationships where we view the other people as an object, but in ‘I and thou’ relationships we’re speaking from our highest self to their highest self rather than applying unconscious rules and expectations to either them or to ourselves. Through stripping away all of the challenges created by unconscious contracts, we’re able to bring about more positive changes in our own lives and in the society around us.