We live in a time when personal development is everywhere. Books, podcasts, apps, retreats—offering promises of clarity, balance, transformation. Yet for all the tools we now have at our fingertips, many of us still feel stuck in cycles of stress, comparison, anxiety, and low-level unease. We meditate, journal, affirm—but underneath, a quieter question lingers:
Why do I keep thinking in ways that don’t serve me?
A Course in Miracles doesn’t answer that question in the way most programs or teachings do. It doesn’t try to fix your life. It doesn’t teach you how to manifest your dream job, or how to wake up feeling inspired every morning. It doesn’t even really give advice.
Instead, it offers something far more radical: a training in how to undo fear at the level of thought. Not by fighting it. Not by spiritually bypassing it. But by recognising how much of what we call “reality” is coloured by unconscious habits of mind—and learning, very gently, to choose a different lens.
The Course tells us: “Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.”
That sounds mystical, and it is. But it’s also incredibly practical. It points to a profound principle: most of what we spend our time defending, controlling, resisting, or avoiding… isn’t actually real. It’s based on thoughts we’ve inherited, stories we’ve absorbed, and fear patterns we mistake for wisdom.
And yet—there is another way of seeing. And we can learn it. That’s what A Course in Miracles invites us to do.
Not a Religion, But a Mindset Shift
For many people, the word “Course” suggests a study program, while “Miracles” sounds like something out of a spiritual fantasy novel. It’s no wonder people hesitate to pick it up. But behind the slightly intimidating title is something remarkably down-to-earth: a process.
The Course is made up of three parts:
A Text that lays out the underlying framework for how we perceive the world, and how we might begin to shift our perception.
A Workbook, offering a lesson for every day of the year, each designed to undo a particular block to awareness.
A brief Manual for Teachers, which clarifies how to embody and share the Course’s core principles.
What’s unique about the Course is that it doesn’t ask us to adopt new beliefs. It doesn’t claim to be the only way. In fact, it repeatedly says it’s just one path among many. But it is precise. And if you feel drawn to it, it works deeply.
The Course teaches that the world we see is shaped by the thoughts we think. But unlike most positive psychology, it doesn’t suggest we simply replace negative thoughts with nicer ones. Instead, it asks us to recognise the root of our misperception—fear, judgment, separation—and to bring those habits into awareness, where they can be gently released.
This is not about willpower. It’s not about becoming a better version of yourself. It’s about becoming aware of the part of your mind that thinks it has to struggle for worth, and learning how to soften its grip.
A Path Practised by Many (Even If You Don’t Know It)
You may have encountered the Course without realising it.
Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love—a breakout spiritual classic in the 1990s—was drawn directly from her experience as a Course student. Oprah, who championed the book, has spoken about how the Course shaped her understanding of forgiveness and emotional responsibility. Gabrielle Bernstein built much of her early work around making Course ideas more accessible to a younger generation.
And yet for all this quiet influence, the Course remains relatively underground—a word-of-mouth path. That’s partly because it’s not easy to summarise. It’s not designed for social media snippets. It asks for attention, and offers clarity in return.
Why Study the Course in a Group?
Like many spiritual texts, A Course in Miracles is best read slowly, with space to reflect, question, and apply. It isn’t something you power through. In fact, many people return to it again and again over years—each time discovering something they didn’t see before.
That’s why I’ve created an18-month study group, meeting weekly on Sunday evenings from 7.30 to 9.00pm UK time.
We take the Text section by section—reading together, reflecting aloud or in silence, noticing how these teachings meet our real lives. There’s no pressure to contribute, no expectations of previous study. Just an invitation to explore what happens when we train the mind for peace rather than protection.
Once you register, you’ll receive the full reading schedule. You can join each week or come when you can. The rhythm is slow, sustainable, and designed to create space for integration rather than overwhelm.
Some people come with a long-standing interest in the Course. Others are completely new. Some are therapists, teachers, or coaches looking to deepen their personal practice. Others are simply seeking an anchor—something intelligent and transformative that doesn’t ask them to leave their critical thinking behind.
Miracles, Redefined
In the Course, a miracle isn’t a supernatural event. It’s a shift in perception—from fear to love, from control to trust, from attack to understanding. These are the quiet revolutions that can change a life from the inside out.
And they happen, not because we force them, but because we create the conditions for them to arise.
In a world that often feels fast, fragmented, and fraught with uncertainty, the Course offers something rare: a path of steady, unhurried insight—one that helps us see ourselves and others more clearly, and respond from a place of genuine freedom.
You’re Invited
If something in you feels curious, even if you’re unsure what to make of the Course, you’re warmly invited to join us. There’s nothing to prove. No need to sign up to a belief system. Just a willingness to explore what happens when we start training our minds not to panic, but to listen.
How often do your conversations feel like two people are just waiting for their turn without anyone really listening? If you’ve felt this way, you’re not alone. Many of us experience moments when dialogue seems superficial and disconnected, offering little understanding or meaningful exchange. At its best, communication is a rich and shared experience, weaving together thoughts, feelings, and ideas that create a tapestry of connection and empathy. However, all too often it degenerates into fragmented interactions, leaving us feeling unseen and unheard, as if our voices are merely echoes bouncing off the walls rather than genuine expressions of our thoughts and emotions. It’s crucial to recognize these patterns and strive for deeper connections, fostering an environment where every participant feels valued and engaged, ultimately transforming mundane exchanges into profound conversations that enrich our relationships and enhance our understanding of one another.
By understanding and learning to deal with these breakdowns, we can change not only the way we speak, but also the way we relate to others in a more profound manner. Some of the most common pitfalls in communication come not from a lack of effort, but from ingrained habits that unintentionally distance us from those we want to connect with, leading to misunderstandings and frustrations. By recognising these tendencies and replacing them with mindful, conscious practices that involve active listening, empathy, and openness, we can cultivate conversations that are truly enriching for both parties. This commitment to improving our communication skills not only enhances our personal relationships but also fosters a more compassionate and understanding environment in various social contexts, ultimately allowing us to bridge emotional gaps and foster a deeper sense of community.
A common obstacle in communication is what I call the “me too” effect. This effect occurs when someone shares a story, thought, or concern, and we immediately respond by relating it back to our own experiences, sometimes without even realizing it. For example, a friend might tell us about a trip to Spain, sharing vivid details about the culture, cuisine, and the unique experiences they had exploring the vibrant streets of Madrid. Instead of engaging fully with their narrative and asking questions to delve deeper into their experience, we might abruptly interject with our own memories of Spain: “Oh, I was there too! Have you been to Barcelona?” While sharing similarities can indeed build a relationship and foster a sense of camaraderie, this pattern often shifts the focus away from the speaker and onto ourselves. The conversation then becomes less about genuine connection and more about comparison and validation, albeit unintentionally. This subtle shift not only diminishes the speaker’s narrative but can also leave them feeling unheard or undervalued, as if their unique experiences are merely a segue into our own stories rather than appreciated in their own right. Engaging more mindfully could enhance our connections, allowing for richer dialogues that honor each person’s perspective.
Another common problem is poor communication of needs. We often focus on what we don’t want instead of articulating what we do want, leading to misunderstandings that can create friction in relationships. For example, if you say, “Don’t call me late at night,” you are setting a boundary but not communicating the underlying preference: “Please call me during the day.” This subtle shift from negative to positive wording makes a big difference. It not only clarifies expectations, allowing both parties to understand each other better, but it also promotes a more constructive and cooperative dynamic. By expressing our needs positively, we invite dialogue and create an environment where both individuals feel respected and valued, fostering deeper connections. Additionally, this approach encourages others to open up about their own preferences without fear of judgment, leading to healthier and more harmonious interactions.
Closely related to this is the misuse of “you” statements, which can inadvertently assign blame and escalate conflicts unnecessarily. Phrases like “You’re always interrupting me” or “You never listen to me” put the speaker in a defensive position that often precludes the possibility of genuine dialogue and can lead to misunderstandings. These kinds of statements often trigger reactive emotions in the listener, making them feel attacked and less willing to engage in constructive conversation. In contrast, “I” statements — such as “I get frustrated when I’m interrupted” — allow us to express our feelings in a more personal and vulnerable way while acknowledging our experiences. This subtle shift invites empathy rather than defensiveness and creates space for an authentic and productive exchange. By focusing on our own feelings, we encourage mutual understanding, fostering an environment where both parties feel heard and valued, ultimately leading to more effective communication and stronger relationships.
To avoid these pitfalls, we can use a number of strategies to improve the quality of our interactions. Firstly, it is important to take responsibility for our emotions and reactions, as this creates a foundation for healthier relationships. This starts with the consistent use of “I” statements that anchor our feelings in our own experience rather than projecting them onto others. For example, instead of saying, “You never make time for me,” we might say, “I feel unimportant when we don’t spend time together.” This approach not only promotes mutual understanding and reduces the likelihood of conflict, but it also encourages the other person to respond compassionately rather than defensively. By articulating our feelings in this manner, we invite more open dialogue and create a space where both parties feel heard and valued. Additionally, practicing active listening during such discussions can further enhance empathy, allowing us to appreciate the other person’s viewpoint and work collaboratively towards a resolution. This intentional communication fosters stronger connections and empowers both individuals to navigate their emotional landscapes more effectively.
Another powerful tool is to engage in conversations instead of continuing them. Instead of directing the dialogue to our own experiences, we can build on what the other person has shared. For example, if someone describes a challenge at work, instead of saying, “That reminds me of something similar I experienced,” we can ask, “That sounds hard. How did you overcome it?” This technique draws focus to the speaker, shows genuine interest and encourages them to share more.
Perhaps the most transformative exercise in communication is to prioritise understanding over being understood. Active listening is at the heart of this approach. By fully engaging with what someone is saying and gently paraphrasing their words, we not only validate their feelings but also provide clarity. For example, if a friend says, “I’m fine,” but their tone suggests otherwise, we might respond, “You say you’re fine, but I sense something is bothering you. Is that right?” This creates space for honesty and connection.
Active listening also helps us to manage the complexity of implicit communication. So often what people say is only the surface of what they mean. By tuning into the tone of voice, body language and context, we can uncover the deeper emotions or concerns that may be at play. This requires patience and a willingness to be present — a skill that can be honed through mindful practises.
As a mindfulness teacher, I have observed how meditation can significantly improve our ability to communicate, enhancing both personal and professional relationships. A sustained mindfulness practise cultivates self-awareness, which in turn deepens our awareness of others, allowing us to truly listen and connect. When we meditate regularly, we learn to approach interactions with curiosity rather than judgement, with presence rather than distraction. This shift doesn’t happen overnight; it requires patience and commitment, but with consistent effort, it changes the way we interact with ourselves and the people around us. People begin to notice that their conversations are more meaningful, fostering greater empathy and understanding. Moreover, as we grow in our mindfulness, we become more adept at navigating conflicts, leading to healthier discussions. Ultimately, the benefits of this practice extend beyond our immediate surroundings, influencing our contributions to the wider community, and creating a ripple effect of compassion and clarity that can transform the cultural landscape of communication.
Meditation strengthens our ability to pause before we react–a skill that is invaluable in communication. Imagine a heated argument where your first instinct is to lash out, driven by emotions bubbling under the surface. Mindfulness allows you to notice this impulse, take a breath, and choose a more considered response, creating a space between your feelings and your actions. This doesn’t mean you suppress your feelings, which can lead to resentment or misunderstanding; instead, it encourages you to express them in a thoughtful manner. You can articulate your concerns clearly and assertively, which not only fosters understanding but also builds trust. This approach aligns with your values and favours resolution rather than escalation, ultimately contributing to healthier relationships and more productive conversations. Moreover, by practicing mindfulness regularly, you cultivate a deeper awareness of your thoughts and emotions, equipping yourself with tools to navigate challenging interactions with grace and composure.
Mindfulness also teaches us to view conversations as opportunities for co-creation, fostering a deeper sense of interconnectedness with one another. With nothing more than words and presence, we possess the profound ability to build understanding, offer genuine support, and co-create meaning that resonates beyond the surface level. This mindset transforms even the most mundane everyday interactions into meaningful moments of connection and significance, allowing us to engage with the world around us more authentically. When we are fully present and listen not just to respond, but to understand, we enrich not only our own lives but also the lives of those we interact with, creating a ripple effect of compassion and empathy that can strengthen our relationships and communities. Engaging in this mindful practice encourages openness, revealing insights about ourselves and others that lead to deeper bonds and shared experiences.
Like dancing, communication requires both participants to be attuned to each other’s movements, rhythm, and cues. If one person leads too aggressively or does not respond to their partner’s gestures or emotions, the dance stalls and can quickly become uncomfortable, leading to missteps and confusion. However, if both partners are fully present and responsive to each other, mirroring intentions with grace and understanding, the result is fluid and harmonious, creating a beautiful exchange of ideas and feelings. Similarly, effective communication involves more than just the spoken word; it requires that we balance expression and receptivity, individuality and reciprocity. It is essential to listen actively, showing genuine interest in the other person’s perspective while also being willing to share our own thoughts and emotions with vulnerability. This dynamic interplay fosters deeper connections and enriches our interactions, allowing for a more profound understanding and a sense of partnership that echoes the essence of a well-executed dance.
This delicate balance is particularly evident in moments of conflict or vulnerability. When someone expresses hurt or frustration, we might instinctively try to defend ourselves or change the subject, as these reactions often stem from a deep-seated need to protect our own emotions. However, when we engage with the discomfort and prioritize the other person’s perspective, we create a safe space for healing and growth, allowing us to bridge the gaps that often divide us. This engagement can lead to deeper understanding and empathy, fostering connection even in the midst of disagreement. It is essential to listen actively, acknowledging the other person’s feelings without judgment. This does not mean that we have to give up our own needs or invalidate our experiences. Rather, it is about creating space for both perspectives to coexist harmoniously, encouraging open communication and mutual respect, ultimately enriching our relationships and promoting emotional resilience.
If you want to start putting these ideas into action, you can sign up for Integrative Meditation (Level 1). This course represents the culmination of years of learning, practice, and personal growth. Integrative Meditation is a comprehensive framework designed to enhance your mental and emotional well-being. It draws on Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), positive psychology, neuroscience, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), journaling, and breathwork to support you in reducing stress, enhancing focus, building emotional resilience, and discovering your true self.
Have you ever felt frustrated because others aren’t meeting your needs—whether it’s a partner, family member, or friend? That frustration, that nagging sense of being let down, is a common and deeply human experience. It stems from the reality that we often look outward, expecting others to fill emotional voids or fulfil needs that we might not fully understand ourselves. This can lead to a spiral of disappointment and resentment. However, the key to breaking free from this cycle lies in a mindset shift: taking responsibility for meeting your own needs. This isn’t about selfishness or isolation, but about cultivating a healthy sense of self-responsibility and self-efficacy, equipping ourselves to live fulfilling lives while showing up more effectively for those around us.
When we talk about meeting our own needs, we are not advocating for detachment from others or denying the essential nature of human connection. Instead, it is about balance. Oprah Winfrey succinctly captured this concept when she said, “You are responsible for your life. If you’re sitting around waiting for someone to save you, to fix you, or even to help you, you’re wasting your time. Only you have the power to take responsibility and move your life forward.” Her words resonate because they underline a fundamental truth: we are the architects of our emotional and relational worlds. While others can contribute to our happiness, they cannot bear sole responsibility for it.
When our emotional needs go unmet—whether because we expect too much from others or because we lack clarity about what we need—the consequences can ripple through our lives. Feelings of frustration, resentment, and even burnout can emerge. These emotions, left unchecked, can damage our relationships, creating a dynamic where unmet needs breed blame and dissatisfaction. For instance, if someone depends entirely on their partner to validate their self-worth or sustain their happiness, it places immense pressure on the relationship. When these expectations inevitably go unmet, disappointment and tension follow.
Taking responsibility for our emotional needs begins with acknowledging that while relationships are crucial, we must cultivate internal resources to support our well-being. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t ask for help or express our desires; it means understanding that the primary responsibility for our emotional health lies with us. A practical starting point is the use of “I” statements, a communication technique that allows us to express feelings and needs without assigning blame. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” we might say, “I feel unheard when we talk, and I need more understanding.” This subtle shift reorients the conversation, emphasising our feelings and needs rather than casting judgment on the other person’s behaviour.
The power of “I” statements lies in their ability to focus on what is within our control—our emotions and reactions—while fostering healthier communication. By leading with statements like, “I feel upset when this happens,” we take ownership of our emotional experiences. This approach is not about denying the validity of external frustrations but about reframing how we process and articulate them. When we place the entirety of relational responsibility on someone else, we relinquish control over our emotional state. Reclaiming that control through self-awareness and effective communication is empowering.
This reframing is particularly significant for people who naturally gravitate toward caregiving or people-pleasing roles. Many of us are conditioned to think that prioritising our own needs is selfish. In reality, neglecting our needs often leads to feelings of being used, drained, or mistreated. As Brené Brown wisely observed, “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” Setting boundaries is not about exclusion but about preserving the emotional energy necessary to be fully present in our relationships. Much like the oxygen mask analogy on airplanes, we must care for ourselves first if we hope to support others effectively.
The process of meeting our own needs begins with self-awareness. To meet our needs, we must first understand what they are. This introspective work can take many forms: journaling, meditation, or even movement-based practices like yoga or tai chi. These practices help us connect with our inner selves, identifying what we crave emotionally, mentally, and physically. For those uncertain where to start, exploring guided meditation or reflective exercises can be transformative. Through consistent practice, we can clarify our needs and begin to address them proactively.
Once we’ve identified our needs, the next step is taking deliberate action to fulfil them. This might involve setting boundaries, seeking out resources, or developing skills to foster independence and self-sufficiency. Communicating needs to others is also essential, but the framing of these conversations matters. Returning to the use of “I” statements, we can express our needs without creating an adversarial dynamic. For example, instead of accusing a friend of being dismissive, we might say, “I feel hurt when my thoughts aren’t acknowledged, and I value feeling heard.” These subtle adjustments open the door to constructive dialogue and mutual understanding.
As we navigate this journey of self-responsibility, practicing self-compassion becomes essential. Self-compassion allows us to approach this process with kindness rather than judgment. We are all works in progress, learning and evolving through our relationships and experiences. There is no definitive endpoint to relational growth; it is an ongoing journey. By cultivating patience and understanding toward ourselves, we create a foundation of resilience, enabling us to extend that same grace to others.
Taking responsibility for our needs does not mean isolation or self-reliance to the exclusion of others. Rather, it is about creating a balanced dynamic where we meet our own needs while remaining open to the love, support, and connection others provide. This approach ensures that we are not overly dependent on external sources for validation or happiness, allowing our relationships to flourish in healthier and more sustainable ways.
As you consider this concept, take a moment to reflect on what meeting your own needs might look like in your life right now. Are there areas where you feel frustrated or unfulfilled? What small steps can you take to address those feelings? Perhaps it’s setting a boundary with someone who consistently drains your energy, or maybe it’s carving out time for a hobby or practice that brings you joy. Even small actions can build momentum, leading to greater emotional autonomy and relational satisfaction.
By shifting our focus inward, we empower ourselves to live more balanced, fulfilling lives. This process benefits not only us but also those around us, as we are better equipped to show up for others when we are emotionally whole. Taking responsibility for our needs is not a one-time act but an ongoing practice—a commitment to self-awareness, communication, and compassion that enriches both our inner lives and our relationships.
If you want to start putting these ideas into action, you can sign up for Integrative Meditation (Level 1). This course represents the culmination of years of learning, practice, and personal growth. Integrative Meditation is a comprehensive framework designed to enhance your mental and emotional well-being. It draws on Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), positive psychology, neuroscience, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), journaling, and breathwork to support you in reducing stress, enhancing focus, building emotional resilience, and discovering your true self.
In meditation, we learn the essential skill of observing without judgment. This practice is not just fundamental to mindfulness but also deeply connected to understanding forgiveness. Both require a gentle release of judgment—toward ourselves and toward others. Forgiveness is often thought of as a moral imperative, but it is more than that; it is a skill that can be cultivated, a practice that evolves with time and patience. Through forgiveness, we offer ourselves and others a profound gift: freedom from the burdens of past grievances and the possibility of inner peace.
Forgiveness, at its core, is an act of compassion. It does not condone harmful actions or dismiss the pain caused by others. Instead, it is about loosening the grip that resentment and anger hold over us. These emotions can linger long after the events that caused them, deeply affecting our well-being. Holding onto resentment is akin to nursing a wound that cannot heal. The pain, unchecked, festers, impacting us far more than we often realise. Just as physical wounds need care and time to heal, so too does emotional pain. Forgiveness becomes a patient, gradual journey, one that unfolds as we allow ourselves the space to process and release.
Meditation offers a framework for this journey. In meditation, we practice releasing rigid expectations and judgments. We learn to sit with difficult emotions, observing them without reacting, and trusting that, in time, they will dissipate. This process mirrors the practice of forgiveness. Some wounds may feel too raw or too deep to address immediately. Yet through meditation, we cultivate patience and understanding with ourselves, trusting that forgiveness will become easier as we grow into it. This practice strengthens our capacity to approach pain with compassion and resilience, rather than letting it harden into bitterness.
Forgiveness is not a one-time act; it is a recurring practice. Each time we revisit it, we loosen the hold that past hurts have over us. This repeated effort builds a kind of emotional resilience, a “muscle” for forgiveness that enables us to navigate life’s inevitable challenges with greater ease. Meditation, in particular, teaches us how to observe difficult feelings without becoming consumed by them. It allows us to remain present with our pain, not to ignore it or push it away, but to let it unfold and eventually release its hold on us. This parallels the practice of forgiveness, which also requires us to stay with the memory of pain without succumbing to the urge to retaliate or react.
Many people become trapped in cycles of rumination, endlessly replaying past grievances in their minds. This mental habit can deepen the pain of the original hurt, making it feel as raw and immediate as when it first occurred. Resentment, fuelled by these cycles, often grows larger than the original offence, taking on a life of its own. Forgiveness disrupts this cycle. It frees us from the mental prison of rehearsed grievances and gives us the tools to step out of the loop of rumination. Meditation, too, teaches us to observe our thoughts without attachment, allowing us to acknowledge the hurt while gradually letting it go.
To forgive is not to forget or minimise the pain caused. Rather, it is a deliberate choice to release the resentment that binds us to the past. When we hold onto resentment, we remain tethered to the very experiences we wish to move beyond. Forgiveness offers a path to freedom, enabling us to live more fully in the present. This does not mean that forgiveness is always immediate or easy. Some hurts run deep, and their wounds take time to heal. Forgiveness, like meditation, requires grace and patience—an acknowledgment that the process will unfold in its own time.
If you are struggling with the idea of forgiveness, it may help to offer yourself a sense of grace. Accept that you may not be ready to forgive yet, and trust that the right moment will come. Forgiveness is not about forcing yourself to let go of pain prematurely; it is about learning to relate to that pain differently when you are ready. Meditation can support this process by fostering the qualities of patience, compassion, and understanding that forgiveness requires.
Forgiveness also reveals itself as a deeply personal journey. What feels right for one person may not for another, and there is no single timeline for letting go of resentment. The practice of forgiveness is unique to each individual and evolves as we do. Through meditation, we cultivate the inner strength to approach this journey with openness and curiosity, rather than judgment or self-criticism. Over time, we find ourselves more capable of releasing the past and embracing the present with a sense of freedom and peace.
Ultimately, forgiveness is an act of liberation—for both the person who forgives and the person being forgiven. It allows us to step out of the shadows of our pain and move toward a brighter, more compassionate way of being. If you are ready to begin exploring forgiveness in your own life, meditation can be a powerful tool to help you on this journey. By observing your thoughts and emotions with gentleness and without attachment, you create the space to process and release the burdens you carry.
Forgiveness is not just an abstract ideal or a moral obligation. It is a practice, a journey, and a gift that we give ourselves and others. Through meditation, we develop the tools to approach forgiveness with patience, compassion, and grace. Over time, we learn to release the hold of past grievances, freeing ourselves to live more fully in the present. If this message resonates with you, consider sharing it with someone who might benefit. Together, we can create a world where forgiveness is not just a rare act of kindness but a way of living.
If you want to start putting these ideas into action, you can sign up for Integrative Meditation (Level 1). This course represents the culmination of years of learning, practice, and personal growth. Integrative Meditation is a comprehensive framework designed to enhance your mental and emotional well-being. It draws on Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT), positive psychology, neuroscience, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), journaling, and breathwork to support you in reducing stress, enhancing focus, building emotional resilience, and discovering your true self.
What does it mean to live the ‘good life’? Is it about having a big house, the right job, the freedom of time and the energy to pursue your own goals? Our culture gives us many misleading messages about how to find happiness. More often than not, the things we think will make us happy once we get them that turn out to be false promises. We tend to subconsciously believe that happiness is only something that is possible in the future: we can only be happy when we’ve got that promotion, when we’ve gone on holiday, when we’ve completed that creative project. However, the influential American psychologist Carl Rogers encourages us to look at the good life in a slightly different way.
Rogers was a pioneering American psychologist and one of the founders of humanistic psychology, a school of thought that emerged in the mid-20th century. Humanistic psychology emphasises people’s inherent striving for self-actualization and creativity. Born in 1902, Rogers developed his theories at a time when behaviourism and psychoanalysis were the predominant paradigms in psychology. He believed that these approaches were too deterministic and didn’t take into account the subjective experience of the individual.
Rogers’ most important contribution is the development of client-centred therapy, also known as person-centred therapy. This approach is based on the idea that individuals have extensive resources at their disposal to understand themselves and change their self-concepts, attitudes, and behaviours. The role of the therapist is to create a supportive environment in which the client can discover these resources. Rogers set out his views on what constitutes the good life in his influential book On Becoming a Person. In it, he identifies three indicators of a good life, or more specifically, three steps in a process of how to achieve a good life.
An increasing openness to experience
The first step Rogers describes in finding the good life is cultivating an increasing openness to experience. As we explore new opportunities and possibilities, learn new things and create new projects, we realise how limiting and static vision of the future had been. It’s not that future plans are inherently bad; rather, our future plans tend to create a single monolithic vision of what happiness can look like for us. This singular focus can blind us to the myriad ways we can experience joy and fulfilment in the present moment.
Openness to experience means allowing the full range of our thoughts and feelings without denying or distorting them. It means being receptive to new experiences and perspectives and being willing to change and grow. This openness allows us to recognise the subtlety of sensations and feelings that arise in different contexts. By becoming more open, we begin to realise that the good life isn’t a destination, but a journey that requires constant learning and adaptation.
Increasingly existential living
The second step on the journey to the good life that Rogers points out is the increasing awareness of the existential nature of our lives. This concept may seem abstract, but it essentially means that we become more aware of the nature of our experiences. It’s about recognising how our inner emotional world interacts with our outer environment and understanding that we play a role in shaping both.
Existentialisation refers to the process of becoming more attuned to our existence and taking more responsibility for our lives. This involves recognising our freedom of choice and the responsibility that comes with it. It’s about understanding that we aren’t passive recipients of our circumstances, but active creators of our experiences. By expanding our awareness and taking responsibility for our actions, we begin to live more authentically and meaningfully.
Increasing trust in our own body
The third and final indicator of a good life, according to Rogers, is a growing trust in our own bodies. This doesn’t only mean our physical body, which is of course an important part, but also all functions and aspects of the body, such as our gut feeling, intuitive insights, and the feeling of physical affirmation.
Rogers emphasises how important it is to listen to our bodies and trust the signals it sends us. This includes recognising whether we’re rejecting something because it’s unfamiliar to us or whether we’re rejecting it because it’s really bad for us. It also means recognising the subtle difference between knowledge and belief, intellect and wisdom, and faith and blind trust. By trusting our bodies, we become more sensitive to our needs and desires and can make choices that are in alignment with our true selves.
These three characteristics of the good life — openness to experience, expansion and existentialisation, and trust in our bodies— have no final end point or destination. They are an expression of a continuous process that unfolds over time. The more open we become to experience, the more aware we become of our existence and the more trust we have in our bodies, the more we embark on a journey of self-discovery and growth.
Spiritual practises such as meditation, yoga, tai chi, and ritual can be incredibly important tools on this journey. Working with therapists, coaches, and spiritual teachers can also provide valuable support and guidance. The good life is not about accumulating material possessions or achieving external success. Instead, it is an alchemical state of being, a dynamic process in which we learn to shape our experience of the world so that it is authentic and fulfilling.
Rogers’ perspective on the good life challenges us to look beyond societal expectations and external achievements. By increasing our openness to experience, expanding our awareness of our existence and trusting our own bodies, we can cultivate a richer, more meaningful life. The good life is not a static destination, but an ongoing journey of self-discovery and growth guided by our inner wisdom and supported by our outer practises.
